Poorly Made Creepypasta Parodies
by PeterInHisFreeTime
Summary: Yes, it sucks, I know. But I just wanted to make a parody of all the cliches that have overtaken video game creepypastas. WARNING: THIS IS A TROLL/PARODY FIC. DO NOT READ IF YOU VALUE YOUR TIME.
1. The Fails Doll

Once upon a midnight dreary, Gil and his friend Chris went to Gamestop to buy some Sega Saturn games. However, for some reason the guy behind the counter just laughed at us when they asked him where the Saturn games were. So they went to Game X-Change instead to look for Saturn games, and surprisingly enough, they had them.

They browsed the isle until they eventually came across a copy of Sonic R. Gil in no way had fond memories of playing that game. Though he thought that maybe he could copy someone's walkthrough of it and put the footage on YouTube to make some partnership money. Chris and Gil approached the counter and the moment they laid the game on the counter, the clerk looked like he had seen a ghost.

"Just take it, it's yours," the clerk said morbidly. Chris took this as a random act of kindness and before Gil could question why he gave them the game for free, Chris grabbed his hand and rushed out of the store with the game. The moment after they left, the manager of the store came out from the back room.

"Is that piece of shit off the shelves?" The manager asked.

"Yeah, it's gone," said the clerk.

"Good, that game is worthless," said the manager, "now to get rid of those three copies of Bubsy 3D."

Chris and Gil got home and started up the game. The first thing they saw was the title screen, but Tails was holding the decapitated heads of Sonic and Knuckles.

"Ugh," said Chris in a frustrated voice, "this game is a glitchy hack…oh well, it's free anyway." Gil however, knew deep down that the game was haunted…and that Chris was a total dumbass.

Chris started the first race and noticed that the track was red and black; the colors of evil. Not only that, but the music was playing backwards.

"Dude," said Gil, "you do realize this game is haunted, right?"

"Nah," said Chris, "you've just been watching too many horror movies."

"Oh yeah, then why did you just unlock Super Sonic, and why does he have no eyeballs and a slit throat?"

"Holy shit! I unlocked Super Sonic already! YAHOO!"

"You did half a lap and just started playing the game. How stupid are you, Chris?"

"Don't be such a sourpuss, Gil."

So Chris played as Super Sonic for about twenty seconds while dead bunnies rained from the sky in the game. After that, a message popped up saying he unlocked the Tails Doll and something called "The Tails Doll Curse." The "Curse" was an added option in the main menu.

Chris was excited again; he loved unlocking characters and secrets in video games, no matter how demonic they are.

"You're gonna select that curse, aren't you?" Gil asked, rolling his eyes. Chris didn't even respond, he just selected the curse. Suddenly, the television started to violently shake. Chris started freaking out and grabbed a sledgehammer from under the couch. He pummeled the television into powder as Gil looked at him with astonishment…at how stupid he was.

"Great job asshole," said Gil, "You possessed my TV AND broke it too."

"What was I supposed to do?" Chris said.

"TURN THE DAMN THING OFF?!" Gil asked. "And why on God's green earth do you keep a sledgehammer under my couch?"

"You never know when you need a sledgehammer," said Chris.

Just at that moment, the doorbell rang. Chris went to answer it, thinking it was someone giving out free pizza to go with their free game. Chris opened the door but nobody was there, so he closed it. Then it rang again, but nobody was still there. Meanwhile, Gil ran upstairs to grab some holy water from his mother's cabinet.

"CHRIS!" Gil screamed before he ran downstairs to see Chris still trying to catch whatever was ringing the doorbell. "Did you piss in my holy water jar?"

"Hey, it's not my fault you took ten minutes to take a dump," Chris said before the doorbell rang again. This time, Gil opened it to find…a bloody Tails Doll plushie.

"Yay!" Chris screamed, taking the doll into the house where it could easily endanger them, "free toys!"

"What the…DO YOU STILL NOT REALIZE WHAT'S HAPPENING?!" Gill said, genuinely pissed off at Chris's ineptitude.

"Uh, duh," said Chris, "first your shitty TV broke and now you're getting mad at free toys."

"MY TV Broke!?"

"You're TV sucked so bad it started shaking. Did you forget or something?!"

"MY TV WAS JUST FINE UNTIL YOU BROKE IT WITH THAT SLEDGEHAMMER!"

All of a sudden, the Tails Doll came to life and started attacking Gil. And this plushie put up one hell of a fight!

"CHRIS!" Gil shouted, "DO SOMETHING."

"Hang on a second," said Chris, "I gotta run across the street and grab some weapons." Chris then ran across the street while Gil was being attacked by the small yellow fox doll. After about a minute, Chris came back with a backpack full of everything he could find in his house. First he took out his baseball bat and tried swinging it at the Tails Doll, but he hit Gil in the head and broke it by accident.

"OUCH!" Gil shouted, "WRONG GUY, ASS FACE!"

Chris then took out a knife from his kitchen and swung it at the Tails Doll, only to miss and stab Gil in the thigh instead.

"AHHHH!" Gil screamed, "WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO AIM?!"

Chris then shrugged and took out a long sword. Just as he was about to swing it, Gil shouted in protest.

"Um…let's try something that WON'T cut me up!" At this point, Gil just wanted the Tails Doll to kill him so he wouldn't have to deal with Noah's stupidity.

To Gil's complete amazement, Chris took out a rocket launcher from his backpack and aimed it at the Tails Doll. Needless to say he blew up not only himself and Gil, but the entire house as well.

Later that day when the Police examined the explosion scene, they were completely stupefied.

"Wow, this guy must have sucked at aiming," said the officer, "the only thing we could find in the rubble was this crappy doll. He should have blown this cheap thing up instead."


	2. Eggman dot exe

(Author's Note: Don't worry guys, I know that Tails first appeared in Sonic 2. The narrator's supposed to be an idiot XD. Thanks for the reviews! Bad and good reviews are welcome. You guys rock =D)

Once upon a time, I was minding my own business browsing around on eBay for a copy of Sonic the Hedgehog. I had fond memories playing Sonic when I was 34 years old and decided to get myself a genesis and a copy of the game. Even though there were hundreds of copies, the one that caught my eye was a blank black cartridge with the words "This Sonic Game Is Evil" written with bright red marker on an adhesive label. It even came with a Genesis! Sure, the number "666" was carved into the front, but it was a minor defect.

Naturally, I bought the game; obviously no bad luck would come out of buying a cartridge and system like that. I wanted to play Sonic so badly! Plus, unlike the other games, it was free besides the fifty dollar shipping and twenty dollar handling fees.

So I got the system and the cartridge and booted up the game. The regular Sega logo showed up, but it sounded slowed down in an almost demonic way. I restarted the system and it happened again. "Oh well" I thought. It was probably my television acting up.

So the game started and I saw the startup screen with Sonic wagging his finger. But when I pressed start, the screen changed for a split second. I wondered what it was and started the game again. I tried to take a picture but the lens cap was on, so I threw the lens cap against the wall and tried it again. The screen that appeared in that split second had water that was blood red and a sky that was smoker's lung black. Sonic had red eyes, devil horns, a swastika on his forehead, and a pentagram on his glove. The copyright mark on the bottom even said: "Welcome to hell."

I immediately realized that I had bought some kind of rom on a cartridge. Instead of returning it, I decided to keep playing because I wanted my Sonic action! It was seventy dollars down the toilet but playing a broken, satanic rom of my childhood memories was worth it :D.

I kept playing and the game started with Tails, which was weird since Tails didn't come into the series until Sonic Unleashed. So I ran to the left as Tails and along the path were decapitated, disemboweled animals with their eyes poked out. They were all bleeding what looked like hyper-realistic blood. It was not quite overexcited-realistic blood and it was too dark to be overactive-realistic blood, so I know for a concrete fact that it was hyper-realistic blood. Don't question me!

Then Tails started crying like PETA at a Barbeque and Sonic appeared with no eyes. He tore Tails' head off and I heard a scream. It was a horrifying scene and it shook me deep inside, which is exactly why I kept playing.

A text box then appeared saying: "Welcome to Hell Sucka." What followed next was the most frightening image that I had ever seen in my life. Eggman was in a pink thong, gyrating his ass all over the screen. It was the most horrific thing I had ever seen in my life, and in the background was the theme to Fanboy and Chum Chum. The vent from the genesis began to breathe out horrible fumes of armpits and ass. I had three simultaneous heart attacks and died.


	3. Lavender Bowel Syndrome

In a galaxy far, far away, I was driving my purple Scion down an abandoned city street. My GPS said this was where the nearest Chipotle was, and I was in the mood for a serious burrito. I spent 25 minutes driving on that street until I realized that my GPS was sending me to an abandoned strip club called "Chipotle." I gave the middle finger to my GPS and decided to just type the address. On the way to the REAL Chipotle, I saw an old man sitting at a table in front of an old apartment building. He looked more aged and frustrated than Clint Eastwood and he was wearing a black and blood red robe. None of that mattered though; he had a sign saying: "free video game," and being an avid gamer, it was an offer I couldn't refuse. I went up to the old man and asked him what game he had.

"Please," said the old man in a withered voice, "I've been cursed by this game ever since I bought it on eBay…please take it away." It was a copy of "Pokemon Red" with a skull and crossbones symbol engraved on it.

"Cool beans," I exclaimed, "my very own retro game!" And I drove away.

Once I got back from Chipotle, I immediately dusted off my old Gameboy SP and inserted the game. I started the game up and saw the title screen, but something was a bit off. The Pokemon trainer named Red didn't have a head, and his Bulbasaur had blank, black eyes with red pupils. The red eyes were especially strange because colors didn't exist on Nintendo portable consoles until the 3DS. There was also an upside down cross in place of the title. "Gee," I thought, "what a strange little glitch." I thought nothing of it because I was looking forward to kicking some pokebutt!

The game started and I was immediately in Lavender Town. I thought the music was too scary, so the first thing I did was turn the music down. I walked around until I found another trainer and challenged him to a battle. But instead of challenging me, a text box just appeared saying: "Please, I've been cursed by this Pokemon ever since I bought it on eBay…please take it away." I could have sworn I heard that before. Anyway, I got the Pokemon and it looked like some kind of ghost. I remembered hearing on the internet that Lavender Town had unplayable ghosts, so I was more than ecstatic to find another glitch.

So I decided to take the Pokemon and added it to my inventory. The first time I used it in a battle, I noticed that it had only one attack: "curse." I selected the attack and the other trainer's Geodude and it couldn't even move. After a few second's, a loud splatter noise suddenly came out of my Gameboy. I wasn't sure what it was and I looked back to see a text box saying "Geodude shit himself." Geodude looked white with fear and I saw a dark puddle underneath him. I was terrified at how real it looked and sounded. I could only describe the graphic as "hyper-realistic diarrhea."

On the bright side, I got the other player's Pokemon instantly. I guess I would just have to cover my eyes whenever I used that attack another 149 times. I used the attack on a couple of other Pokemon and got used to the horrific sight of hyper-realistic diarrhea. Come on; wouldn't it be awesome if you could make your opponent shit himself in every game? However, on the fourth Pokemon battle, the screen cut to black and I saw another text box saying: "10 Years Later."

Suddenly I was playing as an old man and in front of me was a series of tombstones. I read one of them and a text box appeared saying: "Here Lies Ditto: Died of Irritable Bowel Syndrome." I felt a torrent of guilt as I realized that my character caused every Pokemon to shit themselves to death with the "curse" move.

Then the same ghost from before appeared in front of me and challenged me to a battle. I got nervous as it got ready to attack me. Yet another text box (seriously, if I wanted to read this much, I would have read a book) appeared saying: "You will get a taste of my medicine." Even though I had the music turned off, I suddenly started hearing the Lavender Town theme. I tried covering my ears but it was too loud. In the middle of the song, I heard high pitched beeps. The pitches kept getting higher and higher until a high-frequency noise pierced my ears and ran straight to my stomach. Without warning, my bowels evacuated and my sweatpants were completely ruined. "Fortunately," the ghost said, "the brown note frequency is non-fatal to human ears…I just made you shit your pants…ha ha ha." The game then popped out of my Gameboy and exploded.

"What a dick," I said angrily.


	4. Brine Hero

Ladies, gentlemen, and children of all ages: gather 'round as I weave this epic tale about a demonic video game.

I've been a huge fan of Minecraft after Santa Claus put it on my computer last Christmas. I love everything about this game; the hyper-unrealistic graphics give the game a lot of charm as far as I know. This game has everything: pigs, squids, spiders, cows, walking green dildos that explode, some guy who rhymes with Slenderman, you name it!

Anyway, I started up the game and everything went normally. I had just built a work bench and built my first sword, a feat which took seven hours and a whole lot of walkthroughs to do. Then I noticed something; the fog started to get rather thick and my character was hungry. In the distance I saw something moving. I assumed it was a cow and decided to head after it; maybe it could tell me where I could find some food for my character.

So I walked further and further until I reached whatever was lurking in the fog. However, it was no cow. Instead, it was a strange green object with what looked like white eyes. I wanted a better look, so I pursued it with no luck for about three hours.

Later that day, I received a weird e-mail from some guy named "Brine Hero." All it said was "Stop…" Oh, and there was a small note at the bottom that said: "LIVE HORNY COLLEGE GHOSTS: FOR A GOOD TIME CALL 666-BOOO (2666)."

After doing quite a bit of research, I found out that other people on the Minecraft message boards came across this guy called "Brine Hero." And after doing even more research, I found out that "Brine Hero" was a username used by the brother of Notch, one of the developers of Minecraft. And after even MORE research, I found out that my real mother is serving a 20 year sentence in jail for bootlegging the Godfather trilogy.

So out of curiosity, I e-mailed Notch to see if he really DID have a brother, and ask him why he was creeping people out on Minecraft. About three months later, I got a response. Basically, Notch told me that he did in fact have a brother. He told me that his brother's favorite food was pickles (hence the name "Brine Hero,") and one day he died of a heart attack after trying to open a jar of kosher dills. So it turned out that that green "object" was actually Notch's brother re-incarnated as a giant 8-bit pickle! I was so astonished that I…hang on…sorry guys, I can't continue writing this; I have a sudden craving for pickles.


End file.
